Rage Against the (Christmas) Machine

It's Christmas Eve! Well it was when I wrote this post. It really doesn’t bother me that I didn’t get to publish it yesterday as soon as my last sentence was typed. It is also no skin off my wrinkly nose that I was only able to do one very quick edit at 11:55 p.m., thereby ensuring this message would not reach you on Christmas Eve, given that it wasn’t travelling on Santa’s sleigh. Not.a.problem. My message is out now, and you are reading it, and that is all that matters in the end, right? So here it is, my Christmas message to you. 

Note: While it is unarguably Christmas-related, it has been, as with all of my writings, scripted with every human, animal, spirit and holder of space in mind, so applicable to all. I just have a bone to pick with Christmas and it’s been simmering into the perfect storm of a broth for years…so get ready for a tasty yet powerful punch! 

Let’s restart…

It's Christmas Day! I am sending so much love and light to all of you, my family, friends and once-lost but recently reunited acquaintances, near and far.

If you jumped back twelve hours and asked me how I really, truly felt about Christmas Eve however, I would be honest with you (as we seem to have nailed that honest communication thing during my blogging years) - Christmas Eve sucks, December, my birth month sucks, and I want a system overhaul!

For me, Christmas has always been a cherished time, but never a time I felt I fully enjoyed and appreciated; I was always far too busy firing through my endless to-do list in order to orchestrate the seemingly "perfect Christmas" for my kids and family. And trust me, I set the bar quite low. I am not a cook, so there is no pressure of hosting a family feast, although we do gather and eat a “special meal” together, nothing requiring any slaving over the stove though. Our family of 5 harbours no animosity or personality conflicts, so there is never any family drama or associated maintenance or repair work to settle up come the holidays. Lastly, my kids love Christmas so I can always be assured that they will be open to whatever I throw at them, be it a family outing to cut down our own tree, breakfast with Santa, evening sleigh ride, or the requisite screening of the music video for “Do They Know It’s Christmas” (where I now make a point to point out George Michael and remind them of his Careless Whisper association, to which they ooo and ahh). Ah yes, how can I forget the most anticipated event of the season, the Grandmother of all Christmas festivities, the annual bring your kids to the office on Dec 24th Children's party! This event has been on hiatus since Dec 2019, and has stayed as such even up until this month, which was surprising to me but not to most.

This tradition was always my kids' and my favourite as it was the only opportunity that they had to see mom in her office habitat, and unbeknownst to them, her element (wait, she’s an expert in another domain? And she’s highly respected for it? There must be some mistake - her occupation is mother, Hundo-P, right?). Hmm...well... Cumbersome COVID had to go and put an end to that celebration, and while it has yet to be officially resurrected, word has it that superstar champions like my friend Christina and others across the PHAC universe took Rudolph’s reins by their own hands this year and single-handedly orchestrated wonderful childrens’ holiday parties for their own individual work divisions/centres, complete with food and drinks paid out of their own pocket, including crafts, games, and even some small take-home gifts (from the Santa she found and hired who later ended up being a no-show). They even got to reunite with their youth cohort after a 5-year hiatus! While far from perfect, this year's celebration was something that our kids will remember for years to come. That there was something they got to do and that they got to do it with me. 

Thanks to generously kind-hearted people like Christina, and also to my one-two punch of newly instated long-term disability status and medical retirement approval (more to come on that on my Keeping Abreast Faceook Page), I will never again have to work for a Conservative government - there, I said it! So remove that stressor this month and my focus (and main source of stress!) was what it has always been - on getting the (real) Christmas tree we cut down home, up and decorated, and on what the kids would see under it when they walked downstairs on Christmas morning. I’ve always wanted them to have lots to open, especially if it was simply their favourite chocolate bar or school snack that I never say yes to. Bonus points if I managed to wrap it inside 6 increasingly smaller boxes to disguise the gift and draw out gift-opening festivities for a simple bag of Hostess chips! The same fun and enjoyment that I remember experiencing is what I always wanted for them -  their Uncle did this for me growing up and it was the fun of the simple things that meant so much, right? But these things all take time, effort and coordination to pull off (did I really just recycle ALL of my good boxes last week?) #Momfail#1…

So what is my message you may be asking, as I asked myself before beginning this post? I think it's that I wanted to introduce a new approach this year while staying true to the spirit of Christmas and what it means to me. I built in time in my to-dos to track down boxes. I bypassed the need for expensive gifts by asking the kids what they really want to open Christmas morning, then brought anything over-budget back to them to sort out (combined Christmas/bday gift? Costco vs. Ugg brand? Inquiring minds wanna know!). I engaged them a lot, and let them learn how to make tough choices. I ordered a yummy ready-to-heat Turkey dinner from Red Apron, a well-known catering shop, so I know we will be well-fed with little to no effort, yet again. Most importantly, I under scheduled our commitments this week so we could just move at a reasonable pace and not stress about "the next person arriving". We are here for 2 weeks, and I would rather see you after Christmas if it means we can actually get to relax and enjoy more time together vs having a hurried stop-in*. 

Note*: Rescheduling a friend's visit is way down my long list of to-dos, so best to poke me in about 3 days’ time and I will look at next week’s calendar of appointments to reconfirm my availability. Same goes for anyone else who hasn’t heard from me in the weeks or months since you requested a visit! I have a running wishlist but I have virtually no free time when I factor in appointments, commutes, scheduling, household management and being a mum to three. But when I can manage to slip out I of COURSE want to see you! So don't give up just yet, others have succeeded, and it has filled my heart more than you could ever imagine!

Speaking of visitors about to give up on me (Phil!), this time with you is a rare treasure. Not a work deadline or deliverable to be met (unless again, you are travelling by Santa’s sleigh, in which case you are in a literal vessel of work deliverables with a firm deadline! Families with small children will of course have more pressure to get things ready for Santa's arrival. My advice to you? Honestly? Go bananas and get it done. You won’t be happy unless you do this to some extent, and you will feel guilty if you don’t. Try to enlist some help from a non-parent friend, or better yet, their or a local teen (they like to make cha-ching). Even ask them if they want to earn some volunteer hours needed for their high school diploma. Bonus is that you and your kids get to know a potential sitter, which will make date night part of your vocabulary again! Imagine that! Also for my singletons, online dating apps...I can get you through this experience, having tried and successfully matched with someone who wasn't shirtless and holding up his catch of the day (a fish, not a swiped right). I haven’t lost anyone yet, and am not going to start with you. But I digress…

With gift-wrapping outsourced, you can turn to the myriad other tasks on your plate!

Now, while you are doing this and likely losing your mind and all hope of sleep, stop for a quick sec and imagine a world where none of this happens this time of year. It’s crazy hard, I know, but imagine your youth waking up at 9AM (vs 5:30AM) as mine did today, and jump ahead to my life where the magic of Santa filling our stockings is no longer a thing. I promise you that you will miss and grieve it, despite how much PTSD it has left in its wake all of these years. You may just do as I’m doing and continue to include Santa in your traditions. There may or may not have been Pez in our stockings this morning, and the 2 Barbies and and one windup racecar added to my Walmart grocery delivery yesterday were definitely not Mom-driven, no no...doo-tee-doo...

This year, as I ask of you every day in every situation, immerse yourself in the present moment and imagine that regardless of our fixed patterns, routines and traditions, they will never ever happen quite like they are happening right now. This will hopefully ground you and bring peace, calm and purpose to what you are doing today, instead of having it go by in a flash as being struck off a real or imaginary to-do list. Our lives, the good and the bad and the truly ugly, are experiences to be lived and felt. This is my mantra. Live your life, because it isn’t just for you, it is your legacy for generations to come - and only you hold the power and wisdom to create it. 

Speaking of beautiful legacies done right, I would like to end my Christmas message by sharing some thoughts on how I am managing my grief over a lost loved one at this time of year. If you don't wish to read on, I respect and honour that, so this is your chance to close my post. Hugs to you all and look for my first update on my health status in the coming week. I will be sharing that exclusively on my Keeping Abreast of Ellen "Facebook Page", not here on my profile. Let me know if you are having any trouble finding/accessing that page. Once you click "follow" you should be notified of any new post I make.

Ok, to quote Charlie Brown, Good Grief! It's Christmas and I am opening Facebook only to see memories of Alice and her daughter adorning their cosy home with candlelight, homemade treats, music, love and laughter. It was something I looked forward to seeing every December 24th. How does one even begin to get into the holiday spirit when a pivotal person in their life is no longer with them? When this person WAS Christmas and epitomized all of the beauty, sentiment and fun of the season? You likely woke up today and had one of two thoughts:

1. I will hide in bed and cry all day as I don't want to celebrate Christmas without them, 

or, if it's not a person that you are grieving, but rather the absence of a place, a tradition, or a sentiment that was but no longer is within reach, you may be thinking:

2. I can't hide in bed for a multitude of reasons, so I am simply going to power through the day as I always do, collapse tonight and it'll be done with. At least we “got through” another Christmas. That's what's important, right? Making it through the season. Isn't that what Christmas is really all about? But wait, IS that what Christmas is really all about? I don't think this is what Christmas is all about. The finish line? December 25th? What exactly is the point in that?

Friends, if you've paid attention to any of my writing over the years you'll know this logic is a farce. It is never about the end product or whether or not you’ve achieved it. It is always about the journey there, and what you learned or felt or encountered along the way. I am by no means trying to downplay the importance of achieving goals and recognition, but when it comes to holiday celebrations, none of that need apply for the job. It won’t even get a second glance of its resume. 

This year, I say no to fighting facing those heavy feelings of grief - they are a reflection of the love you want to give to that person but can't. Or at least you think you can't. Of course this is where some religious beliefs may dictate, but I would like to throw out that that regardless of the existence of a faith in your life, or of which doctrine you belief, do you believe that your loved one can still hear you? Like, do you ever speak to them? Then I have an idea for you which has been working for me. You have likely heard it, but hear it again in the context of what I just wrote about in my blog post.

Live in the moment and give your body what it is craving to feel better. With grief this Christmas, set aside time for a scheduled cry. Let it all out. Reserve some time for a private convo with your loved one. I spoke to Alice last night and thanked her for sending me all of those photos each Christmas Eve. I even promised to look at them when I felt sad. This helped me immensely and got me out of my frozen state (and my bed). Do whatever feels right to honour that person and the bond you share with them. It has not been severed; you are tied together for eternity. Ok that sounded creepy! Yes, creee-py! You know what I mean to say here. Your grief will likely never be gone because your loved one and the bond you share will never cease to exist. But learn how to harness that powerful grief to remember how your loved one made you feel, what you shared and how they would want you to carry on your life without them, and you may be able to replicate some of the same positive emotions they invoked in you. This will not only honour them, but it will make living your life a whole lot easier! Think of them as your biggest fan (I'm sure they were and still are), and act accordingly.

In their place are all of the wondrous things that matter most when we are faced with our own mortality. How did that person make me feel? What did we experience together? What will they remember most about me? This is where you simply have to trust me, and trust those around you who are also facing this very daunting reality of facing your own mortality. We just know. They would want to see you under the tree, not under the covers come Christmas morning. So go put on some coffee and your finest jammies and greet them in the morning. Your family will see this transformation and this will trigger new memories for you all to share today. Your legacy is a powerful tool for your future generations. Let's get started on it now, shall we?

Oh right - where and how do we summon the energy to entertain a shift in the norm, when lack of time and energy are the drivers working against us every step of the way?

We can't, and we shouldn't. I mean, how can we? Do any of you have a secret stash of energy stores collecting dust? I didn't think so. We have to work within our means, using the tools and resources we have on hand, even if they are the absence of resources. Do you have a lack of motivation? Accept that and do nothing right now. Throw in a second shortcoming while you’re at it and abandon any associated guilt. Tired? Close your eyes, right where you are right now (safely…not while driving or where you will fall!) and go nap, don't fight to stay awake. Sad? Cry, don't hold in the tears. Let your children see you cry, they will model your behaviour and if you normalize this (as we all should), not only are you going to feel marvellous physically, but your mental health is going to go through the roof as you are being true to yourself and your needs. 

You will have your Christmas miracle!

Skeptical or don’t think you have it in you? “But I’m not like Ellen, she’s so strong.” Bahaha, I have to say, being called strong is misleading as it suggests we need to power through even if we aren’t able to. Don’t do it! Let yourself experience weakness and pressure. But then do something about it. Accept it, and give your body what it needs in that moment. Then most importantly, keep going. I encourage you to just try this zany approach. As with everything in life, the more you practice, the easier it will come. I suggest picking one thing (the most prevalent) and replacing it with what your body is actually craving. For me it was fighting sleep to have time to get tasks done uninterrupted in the wee hours of the night. It’s now #AM as of my last keystroke, and, while I am almost done my one abysmal edit, my eyes are starting to close and I still need to wrap some gifts with Bridget Jones (#1) playing in the background. She’s been my Christmas Eve late-night wrapping companion for over 17 years!

So that is my Christmas message to you. If I had to sum it up in one catchy phrase, I would name a blog post after it. Oh looksy, I did!

Wishing you and your family a magically Merry Christmas and a beautiful New Year filled with all of your hopes and dreams. Light and love from my family to yours, 

Ellen, Salvador, Soraia and Imogen